I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
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