now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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