I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
you know who we are? We're the female white stoner version of Kenan and Kel.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
Randomize
