Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
you are never too drunk for berry picking
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
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