i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
Randomize
