How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
Randomize
