Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
Randomize
