Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
