I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
