PS the last 3 guys I've hooked up with were a CEO, a mechanical bull operator and a magic the gathering player...I need a type...
Ur type is ready and willing
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Randomize
