Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
I was at his place until 2am. We just sat really close an stared at each other. I think you are right. Germans must not have feelings. Not even tingly ones in their pants.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Randomize
