it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
love makes seman taste better
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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