I am in a vortex of obligation.
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
Randomize
