he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
Randomize
