All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Randomize
