you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Randomize
