I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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