Pass out mid-funnel last night.
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
