Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
Hard rock hotel, wtf why am i still out, im gonna fuk 5 chix 2nite .maybe
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
