Pregnant stripper...not hot.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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