I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
