Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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