from now on my penis is your penis
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
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