just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
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