Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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