booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
Randomize
