I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Randomize
