so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
Randomize
