I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
Randomize
