He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
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I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
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You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
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