My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
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the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
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