The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
Randomize
