i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
i guess. but if i can salvage this and still somehow see you naked i feel like that's a win
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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