I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
organizing the empties. That sober.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
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