I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
I would like to add..this is the first november for two years that i haven't cheated on a bf...thank you..thank you
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
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