Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
Randomize