Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
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His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
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And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
Randomize