You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Randomize
