I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
ya, but you'll graduate college with a higher education. I'm looking at at least two addictions, an abortion, and a few weeks jail time.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
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