I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
I'm on page 4.
Im on beer infinity
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize