I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
Randomize
