IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
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We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
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All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.