Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
These Dirty People Haven’t Told Their SO About Their Kinky Fetish
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
This is Why People Stop Sex Halfway Through
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life