Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
