is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Randomize
