you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
Someone came in the potted fern
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
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