i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
we made out on top of his cat.
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
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