On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
I will be naked everywhere
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
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