: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
try this...when you orgasm scream his address including city state and zip...
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
