He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
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