I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
Randomize
