im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
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