The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
I'm such a slut...i kept having sex with him after he called me his ex gf's name. I just felt like i deserved something out of it too.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
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