I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
I took did three shots of fireball and did and handstand. When I stood up some busty slut lead me my the hand down the hall into her dorm room.
But I'm sure your having and "a monumentally better time" repeating the 12th grade
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
Randomize
