I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
it's great music for shaving your balls
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
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