You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
